Heroes and distress! On a scale! Sliding may or may not be involved! Pick your favorite hero and see how they score in THE ULTIMATE HEROIC SLIDING SCALE OF DISTRESSERY (but you knew that from the title).

0 Soap Bar Distress– Many attempted captures, but the hero in question keeps slipping just out of evil’s grasp.

Example: Most James Bond(s), Ethan Hunt of Mission Impossible fame.

1 Sneaky Distress– Getting oneself abducted on purpose for the sole intention of getting inside the Maliciously Evil Castle of Fear, Despair and Darkness and/or to the head villain, and then wuppin’ on everyone’s respective bun-cheeks while the rest of the villainy flee in terror.

Example: Basically anytime Batman is “at the mercy of villainy” there’s a 99.923% chance of this being the case.

Your life becomes exponentially meaningless the longer you stare at this picture.

2 Unexpected Distress– The Hero is caught by surprise but easily escapes the (INSERT: henchmen who graduated from the imperial stormtrooper marksmanship academy/poorly contrived deathtrap/holding cell/poisoned cakewalk/dungeon containing large incompetent beastie) with little to no effort.

Example: Umm, every action hero ever?

3 Distressed– Unintentionally captured and your escape must be majorly aided by at least one person.

Example: Most superheroes go through this at least once–especially if they’re a part of a team or in the ‘I work alone’ vein. The Incredibles has this in spades.

Bella Swan

Yep, I can't believe I put this in either.

4 Damsel in distress– Little to nonexistent usefulness, exists only as an object for the hero(s) to rescue. Constantly wailing and damseling about.

Example: Pick a female character from a recent movie. Ok, so you’re weirdos and pick strong female characters, fine. Pick any DISNEY female you watched growing up, (no, Tangled doesn’t count and neither does The Lion King).

5 Jar Jar in distressSo pathetic, so hopelessly bumbling, and so generally useless that they not only manage to get themselves captured multiple times, but will also bog down the heroes/any potentially awesome character in their incompetence. Irritatingly pointless insight and high pitched screaming are their only lines.

Example: Bella Swan, the asian kid from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Heart-Stabbers, the title namer.


Posted on April 23, 2012, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

%d bloggers like this: