My Lack of Romance, Explained:
Every so often, I have an argument with my subconscious, which I named Thenar.
Thenar is the cooler-than-Hoth so-hip-they-can-barely-see-over-their-pelvis part of me that would most likely have millions of friends if I stopped getting in the way. We often argue because we’re polar opposites and today, the subject was romance.
T: You always say you’re not romantic, but everyone knows it’s just a cover. Now dish.
Me: I swear it’s not a cover, I seriously don’t–
T: What would be the most romantic thing to you?
T: Long walks on the beach? Scoring a touchdown? Sunsets? Cards? Golf courses? Flowers? The smell of bacon in the morning?
Me: Bacon, yes. Flowers, not so much… And cake, I like cake. *drools and pictures a giant chocolate cake hovering in midair.*
T: See, I knew you were romantic. Just make the cake heart-shaped and you’re good to go.
Me: No, no, no. Why heart-shaped? You lose an entire slice at the top where the two curves meet.
Me: And it’s impossible to slice the thing evenly because every piece is misshapen.
Me: You know, real hearts aren’t even shaped like that? It’s just some random symbol we humans made up, real hearts are shaped more like fists. And love is actually a chemical brain reaction that has very little to do with the heart at all… What?
T: I give up. You really are helpless.