I recently watched 300 for the first time ever (seriously, I made it a long time without having seen this epicness). Long story short, it was so awesome it prompted a psuedo-live blog/facebook posting marathon (because I don’t have a twitter). This was the result:

Am about to embark on watching 300 for the first time. Lawd have mercy on your souls.

The menu screen has fire. Nar yes, we’re good here, we’re good here.

So, hang on, they wear their battle-speedos all the time?

Everything’s so stylized, I can’t tell what’s important and what’s just scenery. It doesn’t matter though because everything’s so epic.

I never knew people walking in a wheat field could be so beautiful.

That sword is wicked cool.

The epicness hath begun. No more posts for a while, I’ll have to recover from these fight scenes first.

Even the villain is getting in on the battle-speedo action.

Er, so why did the Persians bring an orc?*

If all the slow-mo scenes in this movie were sped up, it would be about twenty minutes long.

A single tear was wept from my left eye when it was over, upon realizing I had gone so long without seeing this movie.

*editors note: seriously, he even did the whole ‘gets stabbed and tauntingly pushes the weapon in further’ thing from The Fellowship.

Overall verdict?

Stupid. Stupid and needlessly gory and both overly stylized and dramatized, filled with insults to various cultures and historical records alike, played out by obviously photoshopped bodies placed in front of the greenest of screens and bleached and large-hammed and ridiculously slow-mo’ed  to the point of cheesiness.

And I absolutely loved it. Seriously, it jumped up on the list of my favorite movies.

It is, frankly, the most non-pornographic man-pandering movie I have ever seen. But it is so unabashedly so, I can’t help but appreciate it. Every scene was built–at the expense of plot, character, and a great deal other things, I might add–to showcase badasses being badasses. That’s it, that’s what we’re here for, the movie knows it, the audience knows it. Bip bop bam, look at this lamb–oh wait, you can’t because it’s been stylistically beheaded in slow-mo, complete with spurting blood. But I digress.


Posted on May 11, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Comments Off on 300.

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