Battle of the Snowflakes: Part Three
Part Three: Battle of the Blands
Mere seconds after the two girls vanish, the third dimension wall directly to my right flickers and an image of a forest appears on it inside a neat rectangle.
“This live broadcast of the Sue Games is made possible by the Stat-O-Vision 9001,” a softly-accented female voice announces. “Cameras and surround-screens have been upgraded to provide you the full sue battle experience with none of the danger. As an added bonus, please enjoy our new audio feedback loops which allow contestants to hear audience response, no matter how far away. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the games courtesy of Stat-O-Vision, informing the informed.”
The screen does a slow motion pan over a scenic forest while soft piano music plays in the background. For some reason, I feel like openly weeping for all humanity. In the bottom right corner of the screen the words “LOCATION: Hoh Rain Forest” pop up. The scene then shifts to a clearing, where two bright flashes of light appear roughly a dozen yards apart. Inside each light a completely forgettable girl appears. However, I remember both of them. It’s one of my abilities. I can forget anything. I also have a perfect photographic memory, so I can remember telling myself to forget.
The two girls, whose names I don’t want to put the effort into remembering, look stunned and glance around the clearing incredulously. I dub them “Gamer Girl” and “Bland Pants” based on their boring wardrobe choices.
A few more excruciatingly gratuitous scenery shots later, the screen changes back to the battle-pair, who are still standing on opposite sides of the clearing and glaring at each other while a slight breeze stirs their hair boringly. After a few minutes of this, I turn away from the screen and scour my section for the dessert platter, hoping to drown my sorrows in chocolate. No such luck.
With nothing else visible and no dessert platter in sight, I’m forced to turn my attention to the screens and the first battle.
Bland Pants makes the first move, running forward a grand total of three feet before tripping over–actually, I’m not quite sure what she trips over–and tumbling to the ground. What’s even more impressive is the fact that she somehow managed to kick herself in the face while falling, a shot we get to see replayed in slow motion on the screen several times. Thanks, Stat-O-Vision.
Gamer Girl runs forward now and trips as well. Her fall, while more graceful than Bland Pants’s, causes her jeans to catch on a log, splitting the fabric from mid-thigh all the way down her right leg but leaving the skin beneath untouched.
Bland Pants, panting heavily yet attractively, jumps up and actually makes it within three feet of Gamer Girl before falling down again.
Gamer Girl stands and swoops in for the kill, pulling her fist back for a blow–
And gracefully punches herself in the face upon pushing it forward again.
After twenty minutes of neither girl being able to land a single blow on anyone other than themselves, I’m genuinely contemplating throwing myself into the third dimension wall to knock myself out for a while. It’s looking like the least painful option right about now.
With the direct approach obviously not working, the two girls, both on the ground once more, turn to witless banter.
“Who wears Olde Magyck shirts anymore?” Gamer Girl says. “That was out of style four years ago.”
“It’s vintage,” Bland Pants retorts.
“That explains the smell.”
Bland Pants tries again. “At least I’m a real fan. I bet you’ve would never even consider reading all 109 blog companion pieces and learning the ancient tongue.”
“I’m far too intelligent to waste my time with such drivel. And I guess everyone else was too, since the show got canceled,” Gamer Girl says.
Bland Pants turns the specifically deep shade of crimson known as Devil’s Nipple #7 and says, “take that back.”
Gamer Girl has noticed something else though.
“Is that a Destiny–Crimson pentacle necklace?” she asks incredulously. “As in Destiny slash Crimson? That is literally the stupidest ship ever. It’s not even anatomically possible.”
“That’s. It.” Bland Pants practically spits. She pulls the necklace in question off from around her neck and holds it out. It begins glowing bright orange, as do her eyes.
A box pops up on the screen: <Special ability activated: Cross-dimensional Portal opening>
Bland Pant’s pentagram flashes orange and out of the light a boy with white-blond hair, gorgeous blue eyes, and a pointy face tumbles out. He’s also shirtless and wearing not-so-bland leather pants for some reason. I find him oddly familiar.
“Kill her,” Bland Pants orders the newcomer.
“Of course, m’lady,” the boy replies. “Anything for the chance to win your everlasting love.” He begins walking across the clearing towards Gamer Girl while the slight breeze ruffles his hair and the sunlight gleams off his pale skin.
This just happens to be the most attractive thing in the universe.
The boy makes it to within two feet of Gamer Girl, then stops and runs a hand through his hair.
Her eyes widen and her mouth drops open.
Then she laughs. She laughs and laughs and laughs some more. By the time she’s done laughing, both Bland Pants and Leather Pants seem thoroughly shocked.
“An enthralled cross-dimensional boyfriend from a children’s series? That’s the best you could do?” Gamer Girl asks, wiping tears from her eyes. “Don’t get me wrong, it was a great effort. I’m sure it would work on other girls. But the thing you should know about me is, I’m not like other girls.”
At this, Leather Pants falls gorgeously to his knees and slumps over on the ground unconscious.
<Critical hit: witty banter overload> the Stat-O-Vision 9001 reports.
Bland Pants crosses her arms and sticks out a pouty lip.
“You may have defeated my wizard,” she admits, “but how will you fare against this?!”
“Oh no, not an interrobang,” Gamer Girl replies.
The orange light flashes again and this time three men tumble out of the portal. All are dressed in similar uniforms but the man in front has a gold shirt while the two behind him are in blue. These three seem oddly familiar as well but once again I can’t quite place them.
“What the–? Status report,” gold shirt says.
“We appear to be on an alien planet as well as hopelessly and pointlessly in love with this human female,” one of the blue shirts says, nodding towards Bland Pants in a way that draws my attention to his strange elf-like pointed ears.
“You are quite an exquisite being,” gold shirt says to Bland Pants.
“You can trust me,” interrupts the other blue shirt. “I’m a doctor.”
“My everlasting love will go to whoever kills her,” Bland Pants says while pointing at Gamer Girl. “For ever.”
“Whomever,” the pointy-eared blue shirt says, though it looks as if it took all of his spare energy to get it out.
“Whatever. Just get her!”
The three move to comply.
Gamer Girl, perhaps realizing that she can’t possibly take on all three at once, beats a hasty retreat into the forest, disappearing quickly into the foliage.
The three separate and spread out to find her.
Pointy-ears, after pressing buttons on some sort of black fanny-pack/shoulder bag combo, appears to have picked up Gamer Girl’s trail. Rather than inform his other team members, however, he continues on his own. Probably wants to secure Bland Pant’s everlasting love all for himself. With the help of his fanny-pack, it isn’t long until he finds Gamer Girl crouching behind some boulders.
Upon her discovery, Gamer Girl gallantly attempts to beat off pointy-ears with a rock but he simply deflects it.
Then he puts up both hands in surrender and says, “Help me, please.”
“What?” she asks.
“We don’t belong here,” pointy-ears says. “We have all been pulled from other universes and puts under some sort of mind-control. This emotional compromise is. . . not right. You can fix it. You can rescue us all.”
“How?” Gamer Girl asks.
“With this,” he says, and holds up a small syringe filled with some sort of red liquid. “It’s called crimson-substance. If it comes in contact with the cross-dimensional portal used to call us here, it will cause a convenient reaction that will destroy both Bland Pants and her hold over us.”
“Okay,” she says.“I’ll do it.”
He opens his mouth as if to respond, then jumps in front of Gamer Girl, intercepting a beam of light that hits him in the chest instead of her. Pointy-ears immediately slumps over on the ground. Leather Pants, still missing a shirt, steps out from behind a tree with what looks like a thin stick of wood in one hand.
“No,” Leather Pants says. “You only belong to meeeee.”
At this, Gamer Girl promptly shoots him in chest with a tiny gun that pointy-ears’s apparently had clipped to his belt. The attractive boy evaporates into orange mist instantly.
“Why didn’t the pointy-eared one just use that?” I complain.
The screen shushes me at this.
Gamer Girl, in the meantime, is leaning over pointy-ears and cradling his head in her lap.
“Use the. . . Crimson-substance,” he gets out with his last breath. Then his head lolls back and his body goes limp.
Gamer Girl wipes away a single tear as she pries the syringe from his limp hand.
“Your sacrifice will not be in vain,” she whispers, and plants a kiss on his forehead, watching as his body dissolves into soft orange light. She stands, looking off into the distance for a moment while the soft piano music returns, then heads to the clearing.
Upon reaching the edge of the clearing, gold shirt and other blue shirt race out of the woods behind her. She shoots them both with the tiny weapon without looking in their direction, then tosses the gun aside.
As they evaporate into orange mist, Bland Pants gives an unearthly shriek.
“You’ll pay for that!” she shouts and the necklace begins flashing like a strobe light as boys of all shapes and sizes pour out of it. Tall boys, short boys, boys with guns and animals and various perfumes. Boys with lightning scars and dancing tattoos and glowing eyes.
Gamer Girl runs straight through the center of the clearing with the syringe, straight towards the growing boy-mob and certain destruction.
I almost can’t watch yet somehow, she pulls through.
She’s just too fast, too smooth, too graceful, and far too unique for any of them to catch her. None of the boys have ever seen anything like her. As she carves her way up the middle, the boys begin disappearing in flashes of orange light. Hundreds rush towards her and all evaporate before getting within twenty feet of her, save one in a green cape and wearing what looks like a helmet with golden goat horns who almost makes it within an arm-length with his charming but deadly smile. After he goes, the rest of the boys fall quickly and without complaint until only one remains: a lanky, dark haired man with a strangely captivating facial structure. He turns to Bland Pants and gets off one line before evaporating: “I deduce that you are going to lose this fight.”
Bland Pants snarls and thrusts the pentagram out once more.
Gamer Girl smirks.
“I don’t think so,” she says and throws the syringe.
It tumbles through the air in slow motion towards Bland Pants, who screams but can’t get out of the way fast enough. The syringe of crimson-matter hits her in the chest and vanishes into the orange-glowing necklace.
“No.” Bland Pants whispers.
The orange light in her eyes dies a second before she does, and an incinerating pillar of orange light appears where she is standing. When it finally fades, Bland Pants is gone. All that remains is a pair of smoking brown converses.
A few seconds later, victorious music blasts from the screen.
Round one is over.
Gamer Girl has won the first match.
Posted on July 5, 2013, in Battle of the Snowflakes, Uncategorized, Writing and tagged battle of the blands, Battle of the Snowflakes, Mary Sue Games, part three, Sue Games. Bookmark the permalink. Comments Off on Battle of the Snowflakes: Part Three.