Battle of the Snowflakes: Part Four

Aha, you’re back for more I see. Full story after the cut.

Part Four: Halfling

A bit of whimsical flute music plays while Gamer Girl is beamed back to her section. There are backhanded compliments all around from the other girls and Gamer Girl soaks it all in. The blinding light returns moments later to take the couch-vested alien and the mysterious goth known as “The Darkness” to their battle-arena. The screen on the wall changes from the destroyed forest clearing to a cratered, gray landscape. Stat-O-Vision 9001 comes to life and flashes: “LOCATION: abandoned moon of Chanen-Q” on the screen.

The Darkness and Couch-vest appear about twenty feet apart in a brilliant light and a shower of sparkles. The Stat-O-Vision 9001 kindly informs me that the atmosphere of this abandoned moon is filled with an innumerable amount of tiny bioluminescent organisms that light up upon impacting anything, causing every movement either girl makes to be wreathed in sparkles.

The goth, sit–hovering a few feet off the ground with her legs crossed, is almost completely motionless. Up close, her black outfit seems almost too dark, as if darkness itself is radiating from it. Couch-vest’s fashion on the other hand is even more eye-searingly awful up close. While I couldn’t make out many minute details about her from across the circle, the camera’s close-ups highlight her enormous eyes, flawless green skin, and every stitch of that horrific vest.

While The Darkness remains unmoving, Couch-vest takes a few dramatic steps forward, smoothing her red feather-hair with one hand.

“Be wary,” Couch-vest says, “for I am–”

At this point, she fills the air with the variety of consonants, whistles, and shrieks that presumably make up her name. The intensity of this causes the entire atmosphere to erupt in glowing sparkles, completely obscuring the screen for a moment. When the sparkles finally die down, I’m amazed that the goth is still sitting in an upright position and appears entirely undisturbed.

Couch-vest seems shocked at this as well but quickly recovers.

“–and I have a long and arduous backstory of the most tragic kind,” she says, taking a moment to adjust her glacier-blue dragonfly wings before launching into the full story.

“I was born the last of my race. Also the first of my race. There’s no one like me in the universe. Firstly, I was born half-human on the planet of Poltec, a distinctive disadvantage, since the Polteckians view humans as a lesser species. Because of this, I was sold into slavery at the age of negative two and was forced to work 60 hour days in the coal mines. Only a few years after my birth, however, I was picked up by a rogue space-pirate with a heart of gold who took pity on me and rescued me from the horrors of the mines. Unfortunately, he died only a few years later, leaving me his entire fortune and his spaceship. From there, I traveled both near and far in search of my perfect other half. When I discovered that no male as amazing as me existed, I destroyed half a solar system in my rage–”

At this point, the panel in the floor retracts again and another food platter rises from the depths. Thank goodness whoever (or is it whomever? Whatever.) is in charge of this thing knows the proper time to break out the refreshments. It’s only a vegetable platter but I’ll take it. Anything to ease the pain.

Couch-vest, unsurprisingly, is still going.

“–since I am also half-chlorophyte as well as half-wind-hwak, through my absorption of the three suns’ energy and my wind-powers, the evil Marchanna Devilanna was easily defeated and the water successfully purified for the orphans–” Her eyes blaze with passion as she continues speaking.

Is it even possible to be half three different species? I ponder this while munching on a ranch-covered slice of bell-pepper. Perhaps she meant one-third. I’m not quite sure how that works out either.

As it turns out, Couch-vest is also apparently half Verine. And half Dragonis. And Malderi Santorium. And snow leopard. And fashion designer, though I didn’t know that was a species.

“–then, for the fourth time that week, my deeply trusted mentor was tragically killed and I had to go on a quest for revenge–”

If I had to guess, I’d say she’s got at least a drop of politician in her as well, judging by the way this tale is dragging on.

“–you killed my father, prepare to die–”

Maybe more than a drop.

“–but it turned out he was my father the whole time and I had killed him without knowing that he was pregnant with my unborn brother–”

Perhaps she’s stalling on purpose?

“–the cheesecake was actually a sentient being!”

Or trying to overwhelm The Darkness with the sheer force of backstory?

“–this day we fight–”

I really can’t think of how this could be beneficial in any way otherwise.

“–for Narnia–”

Ego stroking?

“–and I am the Girl Who Lived. Also the Girl Who Loved. You may have heard of me–”

Aha. That might be it.

“Oh shut up,” The Darkness says in a raspy voice. She mutters something under her breath and extends a single hand.

Couch-vest explodes into thousands of tiny, dark pieces that glitter through the atmosphere.

Just like that, the second round is over.

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Posted on July 15, 2013, in Battle of the Snowflakes, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Comments Off on Battle of the Snowflakes: Part Four.

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